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…are the luckiest people in the world.
We’re children, needing other children
And yet letting a grown-up pride
hide all the need inside
Acting more like children than children.”

That’s right…”more like children then children.”  Unless they’ve been damaged in some awful way, kids easily ask friends to support them, show them liking, brag about them, cheer them on and do all manner of other seemingly silly or goofy things that add up to friendship.

In contrast, many of us so-called grown-ups have forgotten how to ask for help.  Pridefully (or fearfully) trying to go it alone just when we most need the support of others. Overall, living without the things many of us so deeply want. Like closeness. Friendship. And love.

We curious beings have forgotten our mission.  That we are a part of a world that was created and designed to be a society of sharing people. To respond to each other. Laugh together. Help each other. Mix it up now and then. But in all aspects, be a member.

At some point, I became one of those dedicated self-sufficient doers who often – if not always – resisted the idea of asking for help.

NO MORE.

I want the love, comfort, support and, yes, even the advice of others.  Long time coming.  But, as the saying goes,  better late than never.

Wall Street Journal blogger Alina Dizik reports, “For many employers, presenting a resume with too much experience can cost you the job. To get your foot in the door, it’s important to present a streamlined resume to potential employers. When constructing a resume, job seekers should “consider reducing emphasis on or eliminating impressive achievements which might be viewed as outside the needs of the current job, along with removing more high-level awards and recognitions,” Joyce K. Reynolds, an Executive Business Coach, says. Here, Ms. Reynolds shares advice on how job seekers can streamline their resume.”

Read the full article: http://blogs.wsj.com/laidoff/2010/01/11/advice-overqualified-simplifying-your-resume-to-land-the-job/

For publishing this vitally important story. 

Unbearable Darkness?

Why negative emotions are good for your health

by Miriam Karmel Feldman 

September/October 1998

Emotion phobia. That’s what psychotherapist Miriam Greenspan says we have. We’re afraid of our feelings, at least our darker ones, she writes in Common Boundary (May/June 1998). In a denunciation of what she sees as a growing cultural trend toward trashing the so-called negative emotions, Greenspan laments the widely held belief that good emotions can cure, while bad ones make people sick. Putting a negative label on dark emotions “is like blaming Pandora for opening the box,” she writes. “What’s in the box needs to be known.”   Read the entire article here: http://www.utne.com/spirituality/Darkness-Negative-Emotions-Health-Healing.aspx  

Sometimes it feels diffcult. Scary. Even impossible.

We have such high expectations of ourselves that we simply can’t face the truth.

That often we’re not positive, helpful or nice. 

Far from it, we have unkind – even ugly – thoughts.

Instead of hiding from our imperfections, it’s more helpful to realize that we all have wrong or bad thinking. Mental glitches. Prejudices. That’s part of being human. 

But, when we shut our eyes to our flaws – most notably the things we find exceptionally disturbing – we stunt our growth. Thwart the process of discovery and change.

Instead of shutting down, the better challenge is to uncover the things about ourselves that might be harmful to us or others.

Stop being afraid of our own thoughts. Stop judging them and ourselves and start understanding and accepting that we are simply imperfect as human beings are designed to be.  That’s when we begin the real journey into self-discovery, change and victory over things that overshadow our good and comfortable selves.

Facing the truth about ourselves is the most helpful, healthy, freeing thing we can do.

My father used to love telling me to keep my chin up.  Let them keep hitting away, he’d say. 

Like my being able to withstand that kind of invited torture was a virtue.

Oh, I knew what he meant. That the world is going to take shots at us. 

That we have to be strong. Show we can take it.

But, surely, we don’t have to invite that kind of challenge.  Even innocently.

Keeping my chin held high in that manner probably conveyed some kind of unnecessary pride.

Or arrogance.

Or ego.

In looking back, it was most definitely not helpful.

If we’re talking about showing resilience and healthy self-respect

maybe it’s not so much about keeping our chin up as it is about keeping it

beautifully, confidently level.

A study I recently read stated that the average person’s anxiety is focused on:

40% — things that will never happen.

30% — things about the past that can’t be changed.

12% — things about criticism by others, mostly untrue.

10% — about health, which gets worse with stress.

8% — about real problems that will be faced.

Another study stated that less than 1% of the things we are anxiety-ridden about actually happen.

So, do the words ‘needless worry’ take on new meaning?

You bet they do.

Just think – 92% of our precious, irreplaceable time wasted. 

I, for one, REFUSE to do it anymore.

Some of us think we’re always supposed to go it alone. Be tough. Suck it up. 

Trust me.  I know.

What we overlook in that mode is if people like –  or better yet, love – us, they want to be a significant and important part of our lives.

They actually pay attention to what’s happening with us, note when we’re ‘off’ or might need support or help.  And, they jump at the chance to be there for us.

In turn, those of us who are super-independent promptly say, “No thank you.”

Caring colleagues, friends and family members may try this repeatedly. But the time will soon come when they give up. 

And, why not?

Who wants to keep caring about and offering help to someone who continually refuses to accept it.  Better to move onto others who welcome their involvement and appreciate their support.

That’s the dangerous, probably undesired downside of being one tough cookie.

Eventually, people just stop caring.

Sometimes it shows up as a feeling of being drained, hopeless and on the edge.

Maybe it’s a sense of failure or shame at no longer living life robustly.

More disturbing might be feelings of anger, callousness or deep cynicism about life.

Whatever the signs, burnout is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. And it’s not, typically, something that can be overcome alone.

Along with overwork, burnout often results from never having found genuine meaning or joy in one’s work.

Urgent to recovery is to admit the feelings. Refuse to ignore or deny them. Use that last ounce of reserve to seek qualified help or compassionate support that will assist in getting into a solution-oriented mode.

Along with understanding and emotional support, a qualified Coach, for example, can help a burnout victim put aside that terrible hopelessness or anxiety and create focus and – perhaps, for the very first time in their life – help a client identify a clear, life-giving sense of purpose.

As one colleague, Mark Gorkin,  so aptly put it:

“For the phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire.”

Ever wonder why the same disappointing or nasty things keep happening to you over and over again?

I know I do.

Sometimes it’s amazing that it takes me so long to understand that this has something to do with ME!

That some unconscious belief or unfortunate bit of mis-learning is continually creating circumstances that I don’t like or want. Over and over again.

So, what to do?

First, admit it. 

I create my own stuff.  I am, in fact, committed to this stuff whether or not I like it. And, I am the only one who can change this unhappy circumstance.

 I have to start by replacing those mostly unconscious loyalties to the way I do things or think things that produce unhappy sometimes really bad results with thoughts, practices and goals that support the purposeful, productive things I’d like to achieve.

So, if I want the life I say I want but don’t have - it’s that simple. It’s mine to fix. No excuses.

And if I don’t?  Well, as Ricky would certainly say, “I got some ’splainin’ to do!”