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you can’t  build on it. It’s only good for wallowing in.” -Katherine Mansfield  

The experience of regret – the feeling that a road not taken might have been the better one – is unavoidable given the myriad choices in our progressive times. In fact, we’re apt to find that risks not taken are a greater source of regret than mistakes or wrong turns. In either event, we can begin to accept regret and gather information and advice from it. We can learn to reframe situations – viewing them with different, healthier perspective. We can surrender the need to be right.    

Remember that regret is normal and that – when dealt with honestly and appropriately – it can be a constructive force in shaping a meaningful life. So, rather than living under its debilitating shadow, it is most satisfying to convert the negative energy of regret into a positive force for making peace with the past and kindly applying its lessons to the present. 

If, when regret hits, we begin to draw upon each and every resource that we have in order to conquer it, we will develop mental and spiritual muscle that will rescue us from the pit of remorse. We will, in fact, begin to welcome such opportunities for improvement just as Tallulah Bankhead suggested, “The only thing I regret about my past life is the length of it. If I had my past life to live over again I’d make all the same mistakes – only sooner.”

Most often we avoid decision-making because we fear error, regret, embarrassment, judgment or loss. We falter because we know that the smartest, best, most correct decisions sometimes involve causing pain – e.g. firing someone that we really like because they are truly unsuitable for their job or our organization.

In such cases, the biggest mistake is letting time or outside circumstances decide for us. Such avoidance produces a mediocre result, at best, and often leaves us with the knowledge that we could have made a smarter choice. That, instead, we let time or ‘fate’ make it for us.

On the other hand, even the smartest and best people make bad decisions. All the time. They simply have learned to identify and change the outcome of a bad decision quickly and effectively. Leaders can not afford to do otherwise. Decisions – right or wrong – must be made or they are not leading. And they cannot create sustainable value on either a professional or a personal level unless they do so.

If we are pledged to taking the time required and putting in the thoughtful effort towards making our best decisions – even if they turn out to be ‘mistakes’ – we can be feel good about our process.  And, fix any errors promptly.

Mel Brooks once said, “If your enemy is laughing, how can he bludgeon you to death?” This is not an entirely new thought. It harkens back to the Crusades when a satirist would be carried on the shoulders of a soldier in the front line to hurl abuse at the enemy. Unfortunately, this did not always work and the hapless comic was often the first to be killed.

However, in the late 50’s, Dr. Norman Cousins proved that laughter has great powers to not only defeat fear but to heal. In fact, Cousins laughed himself back to good health from a devastating, typically fatal disease with the help of countless ‘I Love Lucy’ shows. Likewise, comedy, humor, laughter can help us address our fears even during the darkest of times.

Take, for example, the courage of comic Christine Basil who – on the heels of September 11 – went out on stage and slowly inched into her monologue, bravely, winding up here, “We’re all sitting there watching the television. That incredible live footage of the plane going through the building. But what they didn’t show is the CNN footage of a red-haired kid in Central Park with a remote control, looking up, saying – ‘Uh-oh, I didn’t think that would happen!’” That’s big, risky stuff. But, it gave her audience an opportunity to laugh, momentarily shake off fear and heal a bit.

So it is that, in those few moments when we can laugh at the worst of our fears, the darkness lifts and the enemy is ordered back.

Sometimes we just need a little ‘warm and fuzzy.’  Today, internet mascot Maukie provides it.

Ben Franklin said, “He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.” Ouch!  But, right on.  Justifications.  Rationales.  Excuses.  Under any name, they keep us impotent and unaccountable. They hurt us. At least, they reinforce our limitations. At worst, they prepare us for failure.  In almost all instances, they keep us stuck. Occasionally, we all use them. So, let’s not be so unforgiving. But when we rely on them, have some so grooved in our brain that they’re automatic, we’re clearly in trouble.   Listening to our internal riffs is a big help in uncovering our pattern of excuse making. You know – it’s the job, the kids, the dog.  Whatever.  It’s all so blaming and unattractive. The truth is that most people would rather hear a flat out ‘NO’ than some lame, see-through excuse.  Add in all the properly touted empowerment that comes with being definitive and setting boundaries and we can easily see why each move away from excuses is a move towards greater self-respect.

Author of The Van Gogh Blues: The Creative Person’s Path Through Depression, Eric Maisel, posits that creative people suffer from existential depression because they are separated from the meaning of life and work. Notably, Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy while awash in a successful life and enjoying good health, wealth and literary fame asked, “Why should I live? Why should I wish for anything? Is this all there is?” (Peggy Lee came much later.) And Vincent Van Gogh certainly fit the description of a tortured artist suffering from existential depression. (He is said, however, to have cut off his ear during an excruciating bout of tinnitus rather than as a result of depression.)  Then there’s the legendary Charlie Brown who keeps doing the same thing over and over again.  And getting the same depressing result.  (You know, the football story).  Poor Charlie Brown who laments that lunchtime is the worst part of his day except for mornings  – “waking up wondering if anybody would really miss me if I didn’t get out of bed” – followed by after-school and evenings. Funny in a sad kind of way and makes you wonder – is Charlie stuck?  Or is he depressed? And, how much like him am I?  Many of us find ourselves for seemingly no reason undergoing a quest for something more.  Something that can be described as our ‘purpose.’ When we are unable to find this sort of meaning, we, too are subject to bouts of the blues.  Or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. General Malaise. Or, existential depression.  Whatever we finally label these painful times, we must find a way to journey out of whatever miserable territory we’ve walked ourselves into. The big question is “HOW?”  It would appear that the remedy lies in asking and answering the question – “why am I here?” If we are willing to accept our own intrinsic value and acknowledge that we serve many a good purpose (not necessarily a big, famous one!) and that we are an important – if tiny – part of this world, we can live more positively and treat ourselves more kindly, more respectfully, more lovingly. These results alone help to beat back the sorrows of the days or weeks that might drag us into depression.  They also serve to lead us into a more belonging state of mind where service to others and compassion for the human condition can emerge and reframe our feelings of uselessness and isolation.  We can then move forward into a more peaceful, self-supportive, productive frame of mind.